As I sit in the Light of His glory and the fire of my soul burning bright, I look on at the ashes that surround me. Rather, I find myself in between the embers of those whom previously shone with the same radiance. And I wonder if they can smell the fumes of my past life that so easily cling to me.
Whenever I see myself in a mirror, I can't help but want to remember my body before the scars, before the tattoos and piercings. I recall my innocent youth and how abruptly and suddenly it vanished. My purity exchanged for vanity. Not to mention the lives I took by my own sin... I remember all that I was and how this world reduced me to nothingness, to the degree of suicide. Depression had become my worst enemy but also my only advisor. I was like one who was forsaken. I had become nothing more than a heap of ash.
Everything had lead up to one inevitable choice. Yet I still refused to call out to God. And I justified why I didn't. Instead of crying out, I questioned Him. Why did I have to call on Him to save me? Could He not see that I had become the prey of a relentless killer? Why would He allow the devil to destroy me to beyond what I could bear?
In all the ruins of me, I believed that I had no more hope and no more faith. And I gave up.
I was urged to end my existence and began to plan my end as I had nothing else worth giving time to. But then a little voice entered my heart. "Don't do it. Give it one more day. One more day." I argued with this voice and was determined to devour the hand full of pain killers I had in my left hand. But yet again the voice besought me, "Give it one more day and see if anything changes." I accepted these Words and retired from my mission of ending my misery.
The following day, about three pm that Saturday afternoon, I collapsed under all the stress and spiritual battling. I fainted and fell head first to the ground. When I came to I found some of my friends trying to help me get into a seated position. At this stage I didn't know what had happened and decided to make my way home to clean up the blood gushing from my mouth and head.
As I entered the house a fever had gripped me. The cold shiver drove me straight to bed, clothes and all. Within a matter of minutes I was out cold and caught in a deep sleep. It was then that the same voice who requested my abandonment of the suicide attempt, neared to me and spoke to me.
"I LOVE YOU AND HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU. AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER. I WILL SAVE YOU AND BLESS YOU. FOR YOU BELONG TO ME. YOU WILL SERVE ME AND I WILL NEVER FORSAKE YOU. DO NOT FEAR FOR I AM YOUR GOD AND YOU ARE MINE." I woke up a short while after that but it felt like I was asleep for few hours. Everything that I felt and everything I was, was gone and I felt new. I no longer suffered from depression and one very clear thing I remembered; I now had hope.
You might feel dead in sin or hopeless in your situation. Yes, it has gone too far, and yes, you might be at the end of your line with the battles you face. Your struggles have brought you to beyond your knees and praying seems like it's not working. You go to church in an attempt to rid yourself of this lifeless situation as you praise and worship while the hardships of your life mock you. Maybe you feel forsaken but know this: the little voice, God's voice, is the only life giving Spirit. He is blowing over your ashes today. What seems to be a hopeless case will be your ultimate quest. Beneath what seems like ashes lies an ember. And as He blows over you with His voice, His spoken Word, He will bring you to life again. A new life, a new season... a new creation is formed. And the more He speaks, the brighter you will glow. Yes, the more you listen the brighter you will glow. Until you ignite and erupt into a blazing furnace! Yes He shall baptize you with fire! You shall burn bright and be a light unto the nations. You shall publish of His greatness and others shall delight themselves in God through your life. Not by might, not by power, but by my Spirit says the Lord your God.
In a way I believe that everything I had gone through has brought me to this knowledge: that God is faithful to the very end. The very end of your situation...to the very end of your life on earth. Even after my salvation I found that the world would continue to try and extinguish the flame of my soul. The very flame God gave me. Though it might seem like some days we burn brighter than others, the truth about this is found in Isaiah 42 verse 3 "A crushed reed he will not break, and a fading candle he won’t snuff out. He’ll bring forth justice for the truth." And verse 6 says “I’ve called you in righteousness. I’ll take hold of your hand. I’ll preserve you and appoint you as a covenant to the people, as a light for the nations,".
Stay close to the true Light who is Jesus Christ and know that you will never be an ember again.
